Dear diary,
I'm falling in love..

this post has absolutely nothing to do with my bizarre attraction to computers. my blog entry titles never ever made sense anyway. ok, i shall stop wasting time and start on this entry proper.

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before i begin, i've got one quick question for the people we often refer to as BOYS MEN AND WADSOEVER THAT I DONT REALLY CARE : What are we girls to you? and what do you freaking know about love?
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to the men : i hate having to talk about you under any circumstances. Probably it's the bad experience that i've went through that's causing me to be weary of you in any way. I'm sick and tired of it. the previous blog that i'd walked over months ago was all about one rotten apple, named Kenneth Lim Han Leong. Right now, i sit here by the laptop, sipping hot coffee, enjoying the moonlight and all i have to say is, "IM LOVIN' IT." it's not that i'm a fat kid who loves macs. but here today, right before you is a girl who'd walked out of that shadow and is living life to the fullest, in every way possible.

Ok, im not trying to imply that i am oh-so-tough or whatever. but here i am, a living example of a poor teenage girl who'd gone through so much in her life. you guys need to know that
WE GIRLS ARE NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH AND WE ARE NOT INFERIOR TO YOU GUYS IN ANY WAY.
we are not here for any of you to trample on. we are not your slaves or your joke.

I won't say all of you are rotten eggs. however, SOME are. just SOME. and here, we only need one rotten egg that'll ruin the entire basket. Maybe it's my luck, or maybe you can call it fate. For me to meet one rotten egg.. and another.. and another.. one following the next. Unfortunate or fortunate? i don't know. but i guess it's a plus-point cause' little did i know that you guys can be such bastards. the facade that lies within you reveals over time. your shameless actions and words can be such a turn off.

ask yourself, "WHY SHOULD GIRLS RESPECT YOU WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO GIVE THE SLIGHTEST RESPECT TO THE GIRLS? DON'T WE DESERVE THE RESPECT?"
for pete's sake, we're not dirt. even so, i reckon dirt is far better than YOU. and if you insist on regarding us as dirt, it's all thanks to you that we're behaving the way we are today.

You call us bitches. You call us sluts. Now, who are you to give us unkind names like these? yes, we're bitchy. We need to be bitchy to battle it out with you. Cause' you're nothing but a bunch of stinky horny bastards. If dirt makes us. Then, the devil makes you.

i don't want to go on further.

*the above solely goes out to the moronic guys.
NICE FRIENDLY GIGANTIC GUYS STILL DO EXIST. therefore, im not gonna be an ignorant girl who goes around stereotyping men. CAUSE THERE ARE NICE FRIENDLY GIGANTIC MEN AROUND STILL.


ok. enough of the ill-bred men in general. i shall now go into deeper details of a particular someone.
"Hello friend. No wait. you used to be my friend. probably 7 hours ago you were still my friend. but now you aren't. little did i expect you to stoop so low. to a level so low that even i'm not able to tolerate. you are just like Kenneth Lim Han Leong. Worse off? i dont know. and i dont really care.
I'm not trying to pin you down like a criminal. If you think you've done nothing wrong, fine. But i have to say something. rather, somethings. i have so much to tell you. so so so so so much.

Firstly, i would like to express my utter disappointment in you. i am awfully disgusted by your behaviour. You'll probably tell me that im siding with her just because she's my friend. But here i am, im telling you directly in your face, with the help of this laptop; She may be my superbly uberly close girlfriend. but i've always tried to stay neutral concerning the issues between the two of you. You know it. I HAVE NEVER EVER TOOK SIDES. i know of how hot-tempered and moody she can get because i've had them too. she shows them to me too. maybe not as often to me than to you. Yes, i admit to that. but since you claim to be her boyfriend, then take good care of her. im aware of how difficult it is to be loving someone like this. however, that difference doesnt make us love her less. I know you'll tell me i won't know how you feel. exactly, i won't know how you really feel because i am not you. BUT IM TELLING YOU THIS, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW SHE'S FEELING NOW BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT HER EITHER. i know of everything you've done for her just to make her happy. you went miles ahead of whatever you could just to see her smile. i commend you for putting in that effort. But if you think that those extra inches and miles you've walked gives you every right to do this, im so sorry. Im afraid you're wrong. So darn wrong.

Your will to put in that effort was on a voluntary basis. you did it on your part. You were the one who said you were willing to sacrifice. AND I'VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES BEFORE, IT'S ALL ABOUT GIVING AND TAKING. THERE'S NO PERFECT RELATIONSHIP IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD. NO SINGLE RELATIONSHIP IS FLAWLESS. SOMEONE HAS TO SACRIFICE. AFTERALL, TO GIVE IS TO RECEIVE. GET THAT SINKING INTO YOUR BRAIN RIGHT NOW.

i AM really really really disappointed. and im absolutely in a state of shock. complete shock. i want you to ask yourself "is this what i was expecting from you when i told you all about my failed relationship when i was like an unclaimed child lost in a shopping mall? you saw how sad i was, haven't you? YOU KNEW THAT I WAS SO FREAKING HURT WHEN KENNETH DID THAT TO ME, DIDN'T YOU? now, DO YOU KNOW THAT ANOTHER GIRL IS GETTING SO HURT BECAUSE YOU (YOU YOU YOU YOU!)ARE DOING THAT TO HER? and you knew it so well that it's gonna strike her so badly. so, you haven't quite understood what i have been telling you afterall have you? THE PAIN IS UNNERVING AND IT KILLS TO GO THROUGH IT." now i'm telling you, you don't know how we feel because simply put it, YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER JERK. to think i put my trust in you. YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON IN THIS ENTIRE PLANET WHOM I KNEW OF THAT WILL EVER DO THAT. now, i guess im wrong. even the last man who's there to prove his worth is gone. A TOTAL JERK.

either way, you're a DISGRACE to all men, OR you're a living example of what a 'some' men is. A JERK JERK JERK JERK JERK.

i don't even think the word JERK describes you. it's not enough to fully describe you. And, IT'S A DISGRACE TO ME BECAUSE I HAVE THE USE THE WORD 'JERK' ON A WORTHLESS SOMEONE LIKE YOU and unfortunately, 'JERK' begins with the letter J, just like JAZREEL, JAMES, JASMINE and whosoever.


When you say, "I love you," mean it.
YOU'VE BEEN GOING AGAINST YOURSELF WHEN YOU SAID I LOVE YOU TO HER WITHOUT MEANING IT. don't lie to yourself and her. YOU'RE NOT BEING FAIR. you're so selfish.

i'm not looking down on you. im not reprimanding you. im not fit to do that. im not qualified to do that. and you've got it. i deserve no rights to speak ill of you. I JUST WANT TO EXPRESS MY DISAPPOINTMENT. i want you to know, I'M SORRY IF YOU'RE HURT OR ANGRY COS' OF WHATEVER I'VE JUST TYPED. BUT IT DOESNT REALLY BOTHER ME. HERE I AM IN THE DEAD HOURS OF THE NIGHT TYPING SOMETHING LIKE THIS. SOMETHING LIKE THIS FOR SOMEONE LIKE YOU WHO'S PROBABLY NOT WORTHY OF MY TIME.

BECAUSE I CARE. THAT'S WHY I BOTHER. I BOTHER MYSELF ABOUT YOU. I COULD BE SOUNDLY IN BED RIGHT NOW, AT THIS INSTANCE. BUT THE THOUGHT OF YOU IS LETHAL. THE MOMENT YOUR NAME IS MENTIONED, MY BLOOD SUBLIMES. WAYWARDS BOILING. I RAGE WITH ANGER AND I FEEL LIKE SMASHING TOMATOES INTO YOUR FACE. I WANT TO PULL YOUR EARS AND LET YOU FEEL PAIN. I WANT YOU TO CLIMB THE ROCK WALL NON-STOP UNTIL YOU GET FLAPPERS ON YOUR HANDS AND BLISTERS ON YOUR LEGS. I WANT YOU TO COOK A POT OF NOODLES AND LET IT POUR RIGHT DOWN YOUR BODY. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WHATEVER PHYSICAL PAIN THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO GO THROUGH (as mentioned above) IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL SCAR THAT YOU HAVE INFLICTED ON HER. THAT SCAR WILL NEVER EVER BE ERASED. AND CAN NEVER BE.

that was your ruthless act. your selfish being at work.

im terribly ashamed of you. Of all perfect examples, why follow kenneth? he's not even a good role model to begin with.


for your dignity you pursue, I SHOWER YOU WITH SHAME.

to sum it up, there's only one word to describe me now. DISAPPOINTED. why? because of you. IT'S JUST YOU AND YOUR PACK OF LIES. "


BACK TO 'some' MEN :
i really wonder how you can bring yourself to send lovey dovey msges.. kiss her goodbye.. hug her to sleep.. and there you are, seeing another girl behind her back. and doing exactly what you've said and done, to another girl. ANOTHER GIRL. how can you allow yourself to DIVIDE YOUR LOVE AMONG DIFFERENT PEOPLE.


Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
don't come back begging and saying that you've regretted all that you've done to hurt us girls.

LIFE'S TOO SHORT FOR REGRETS. GET ON WITH YOUR PATHETIC LIFE.

do you even have a conscious to speak of?


you are one treacherous species.

i don't want to talk about you anymore. i'm afraid i'll not be left with any blood.

still, YES THERE ARE NICE FRIENDLY GIGANTIC MEN. DO NOT BE MISTAKEN. NOT ALL MEN ARE CRAPBUGS. THERE ARE FAITHFUL LOVING ONES. WE HAVE GENTLEMEN TOO.


here is one infamous quote from the nonexistent book of 'Random Quotes' which i would love to share;

"Don't boast the love you have because you don't even love enough to boast."

-Jazreel Tan Mei Xing, tpjc (06S07); inspired by Kenneth Lim Han Leong, the biggest moron in her life.

and i'm telling you, this scar reminds forever. it's lifelong. and it'll follow through our lives. i have that scar right here in my heart.




i've said my piece.

(in two hours that is.)


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to the girl i've been loving ever so true, you know who you are.

dearest, i'll like to apologise if im not able to be there for you whenever you needed someone to be. i apologse for being so ignorant on my part as a friend. i apologise if you feel that i haven't done enough for you. but right here, i want you to know that i am here for you and always will be. nevermind your fury temper. it's okay to throw tantrums. i love you for who you are and will never forsake you. i dont' know how are you exactly feeling right now. but i do hope that everything will be alrigt. im not sure if you're feeling sad or angry. i dont know how much you're affected by that idiot who'd got us all fooled. now we know, they cannot be trusted. all these terrible creatures who crawl in and out of our lives. so often, we overlook the worthy ones and end up having to deal with nonsense like them. nonetheless, life is still good. life's still a bed of roses. we need love to live. yes. but who says love must come from someone of the opposite gender? you know i love you. you know sabrina loves you. you know matilda loves you. you know your family loves you. there are a gazillion number of people out there who loves you for just the way you are. you are unique in your own special way. until the right man comes along, we shall go all out to enjoy singlehood!

I LOVE YOU ALOT AND FOREVER WILL BE. MY LOVE FOR YOU RUNS DEEP WITHIN. IT RUNS SO FAR, YOU CANT IMAGINE.

i love you dearest girl.

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